<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>care enough to feel and fear by laughtales</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24419431">care enough to feel and fear</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/laughtales/pseuds/laughtales'>laughtales</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>enough [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Anal Sex, Bottom Sylvain Jose Gautier, Breathplay, But Extremely Unhealthy, M/M, Risk Aware Consensual Kink, Safe Sane and Consensual, Top Felix Hugo Fraldarius, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, fic is heavier than the tags suggest, friends? with benefits, oblivious idiots</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 06:33:32</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,463</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24419431</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/laughtales/pseuds/laughtales</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Their arrangement continues. Felix will choke Sylvain in bed when he asks (and enjoys doing so) but starts to have doubts about how it actually <i> helps </i> Sylvain.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Felix Hugo Fraldarius/Sylvain Jose Gautier</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>enough [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1762975</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>85</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>care enough to feel and fear</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>So this idea got way out of hand. Can be read as a standalone but I recommend reading the previous entry in the series first. </p>
<p>Also, just a heads up, this fic is not sexy... It builds on some of the heavier implications in the previous fic so while there is a sex scene, it's has a much heavier mood. Please proceed with caution if that might bother you.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sylvain continues to flirt and mess around with girls. Felix doesn’t ask and Sylvain doesn’t tell beyond commenting on how cute or lovely so and so is. But if the Boar’s dark circles and disapproving sighs are anything to go by, Sylvain and his company have been keeping him awake at night.</p>
<p>Sometimes Felix will catch a red mark peeking out from Sylvain’s collar and a stone will drop into his stomach. That feeling doesn’t go away until it’s made clear it’s just what Sylvain calls ‘love bites’ and teases Felix about it as if he hasn’t left much larger marks on his neck.</p>
<p>It’s not that Felix is jealous. For one, Felix does not get jealous. He admires. He respects. But he does not get <em>jealous</em>. Just the thought of that makes his stomach roll uncomfortably. Secondly, there’s nothing between the two of them. There’s nothing exclusive or emotional about their arrangement. The things between them are friendship, a long history, and trust. It’s more than Felix can say about a lot of people, the kind of trust between them is hard to come by and he considers himself lucky to have even one person he trusts as much as he trusts Sylvain. He’s fairly certain that thought goes both ways.</p>
<p>So, that’s all it is. Not… affection or devotion or <em>love</em>.</p>
<p>No, what makes that uncomfortable feeling pang in his chest is the fear that Sylvain has reverted back to old habits. Back to getting strangers with a reason to hate him to choke him in bed. That Felix isn’t enough anymore to sate his urges and that thought burns in his mind.</p>
<p>It’s a thought proven unnecessary because Felix ends up sleeping with Sylvain again two weeks after the first. The request coming sooner than he anticipated and something in his blood simmers when he feels those two little taps against his neck again.</p>
<p>The second time is much like the first but with less awkwardness and fumbling. Sylvain still asks if Felix is sure. He still says yes without hesitation. There’s still a dagger stabbed into the wall. Sylvain’s still never touched the thing. The second time is just as good the first. Felix just as turned on controlling Sylvain’s strings and Sylvain looking lighter and more real in the afterglow.</p>
<p>Sylvain thanks him and asks him to stay the night again.</p>
<p>He does.</p>
<p>Felix decides to stop keeping track after the fourth time. He doesn’t want to think about what it means that the time between requests keeps getting shorter and shorter. What the possibilities mean. Each something Felix wants to think about less and less.</p>
<p>The dagger is always there. Sylvain will always ask. They both enjoy it a lot.</p>
<p>Some things do change though.</p>
<p>Felix learns how to kiss. He’s always been a quick study and admittedly, Sylvain is a good teacher. When Felix puts to practice what Sylvain demonstrates and succeeds in drawing out gasps and whimpers and moans from Sylvain’s throat, delight ignites his veins and compels him to coax out more.</p>
<p>Sometimes Sylvain will insist on preparing him. He’s not as efficient at it but Felix can admit that it feels better. Although somewhere in the depths of pleasure he wants to scream at Sylvain for being a fucking tease. Prodding and stretching and curling his fingers everywhere, <em>anywhere</em>, except where Felix wants them with a smug smirk. And when Felix is squirming and desperate out of his mind, he’ll shove at Sylvain and take his length inside him all at once.</p>
<p>Felix also learns what Sylvain’s limits are. The signs he might be going to far when he chokes him. The tells that he’s not doing enough. How hard, how long, how many seconds of recovery he needs. Felix figures them out, little by little.</p>
<p>They talked about it once, in the afterglow, with Felix too tired to do anything but lay on Sylvain’s chest. He doesn’t even bat his hand away when it lets his hair down and plays with it.</p>
<p>“Can I ask why?” Felix had murmured into the crook of Sylvain’s neck.</p>
<p>Sylvain’s hand stopped playing with his hair for a moment and when it returned, it settled warmly on his back. “I’m not sure what you’re asking, Fe.”</p>
<p>Felix raised his head slightly and gently touched Sylvain’s throat where the irritated skin still flamed. “Why this?” Felix treaded the territory as carefully as he could. Sure, Sylvain wouldn’t mind no matter how crudely or tactlessly Felix put it, but it seemed important enough a topic that he wanted to approach it with as much care as he was capable of. “Why does this help?” Felix wanted to add that he wouldn’t judge but stopped short when Sylvain pressed his cheek against his head. For some reason, the intimacy of that made his face heat.</p>
<p>“Well, I can’t tell you <em>why </em>it works except that it does.” Sylvain said, drawing lazy circles on his back. “It gets me out of my head. Hard to think about anything when my lungs and brain are screaming for air. Not my family, not my crest, not why girls approach me and agree to sleep with someone they barely know.” It’s more thoughtful an answer than Felix was expecting. “Instead, I can just <em>feel</em> and it might not seem like much, Fe, but it’s <em>great</em> not to be aware of anything except feeling good and breathing.” Sylvain looked him in the eye and his smile gained the edge of a smirk. “Plus it’s incredibly hot to see how turned on you are and how much you like choking me.”</p>
<p>Felix growled but didn’t deny. Moment sufficiently ruined because of Sylvain’s cheeky mouth. It didn’t feel appropriate anymore to ask why the frequency of their trysts had increased or comment on how possibly dangerous this method could be just to get him not to think about his issues.</p>
<p>Later, he thinks over what Sylvain had said that night and tries to make sense of it. He’s known Sylvain has always had complicated feelings about his family and his crest and everything that inadvertently came along with them. He doesn’t fully understand Sylvain’s reasons but he figures it doesn’t matter if it works. If his helping brings out more of the Sylvain Felix knew from childhood and less of the persona he wears like a shield these days.</p>
<p>But when the Professor tells them that their mission of the month is to recover House Gautier’s Hero Relic from their disowned son, Miklan, <em>Sylvain’s brother</em>, Felix is surprised it takes Sylvain almost the entire month to approach him with the request.  </p>
<p>And when it does come, the weekend before the mission, it also comes with a surprise.</p>
<p>“Can you fuck me, Felix?” He can almost <em>see</em> the fraying of Sylvain’s emotional state. “If you’re okay with it,” he adds.</p>
<p>It’s not completely out of the blue but Felix does blink at him a few times before nodding. “Yeah,” he says. It’s a topic that’s come up before but only ever in passing. Neither of them are particular about who tops so they usually go with the flow and it just so happens that they’ve never done it the other way. “Do you want me to…” Felix trails, flustered.</p>
<p>Normally, this is exactly the kind of thing Sylvain would tease him about.</p>
<p>Instead, Sylvain just shakes his head, “I prepared myself before you came.” It’s a testament to just how badly Sylvain wants to get out of his head because he usually loves extended foreplay and taking Felix apart.</p>
<p>Felix frowns. Sylvain notices and smiles at him but it’s all wrong and it makes Felix frown deeper. “You don’t have to do that,” he says as he walks over to join Sylvain on the bed. “I’d rather you be high-strung but <em>you</em> than reassuring and fake.” He kisses Sylvain, just a press of their lips together.</p>
<p>“High-strung isn’t exactly a sexy look,” Sylvain says when Felix pulls away.</p>
<p>“Then let me help you unwind.” He takes the dagger off his buckle and puts it, sheathe and all, on the bed.</p>
<p>Felix goes back to kissing him and reaches down to palm at Sylvain’s cock while he does. It’s not hard but it’s getting there. Sylvain’s making breathless noises by the time Felix asks him to lay back.</p>
<p>He does, spreading his legs so Felix can settle between them. Sylvain is probably expecting him to get right to it because he lets out a strangled moan when Felix licks up his length before taking it into his mouth.</p>
<p>“<em>Shit</em>-!” Sylvain cries out as he takes more of him in. “<em>Fe</em>-,“ whatever he was going to say dies on a keening whine when Felix presses his tongue against his slit.</p>
<p>Sylvain shakes, panting. Felix finds the oil and pours some over his fingers. True to his word, Sylvain is loose enough for Felix to press two fingers inside smoothly, making him squirm.</p>
<p>Felix stretches him a little bit until Sylvain is quivering and pulls off and away from him entirely. He slicks up his own erection, hard from the beautiful sounds Sylvain made and wipes the excess on the sheets. Sylvain blinks at him blearily when they make eye contact and gives him a lazy grin.</p>
<p>
  <em>Ready when you are.</em>
</p>
<p>Felix huffs and lines himself up to Sylvain’s hole.</p>
<p>Then he leans down and kisses him briefly, pressing something into his open palm and lacing their hands together around it. Sylvain looks at it with wide eyes – the dagger, and then back to Felix.</p>
<p>“Squeeze if you need to.” Felix says against his lips, kissing him again when he makes to protest that he’s going to squeeze involuntarily when Felix starts to choke him. “I can tell the difference, don’t worry.”</p>
<p>Sylvain exhales deep and almost adoringly. “Okay.”</p>
<p>Felix presses in slowly, groaning as he sinks into the intoxicating heat of Sylvain’s body. It’s overwhelming in a way he doesn’t expect and he has to rest his forehead on Sylvain’s shoulder, taking a moment to groan and clear his head against the shattering temptation of friction and thrusting into Sylvain. When he reigns it in enough, he brings a hand to his throat and Sylvain already looks taken.</p>
<p>He doesn’t need to wait for Sylvain’s nod to haul himself up and squeeze down on his neck.</p>
<p>“<em>Fuck!</em>“ Felix groans and his grip immediately eases. Sylvain looks at him sympathetically. “Fuck- you-“ Felix focuses on one breath and a time, “you got <em>so</em> <em>tight</em>, Sylvain.”</p>
<p>“Sorry,” he breathes, but he isn’t sorry at all; it’s just filler talk.</p>
<p>Felix composes himself and tries again, managing to keep his hold this time when Sylvain seizes around him.</p>
<p>He is not going to last long.</p>
<p>Thrusting once experimentally, he pulls out almost all the way before driving forward into the impossibly tight heat of Sylvain’s body. Sylvain trembles and arches under him, squeezing his hand reflexively when he does and Felix watches his mind blank.</p>
<p>It’s just as mesmerizing to watch as the first time, to see the tension and the struggle bleed from Sylvain as he deprives him of air.</p>
<p>Just like he figures, he only manages to choke Sylvain twice before he feels his orgasm coiling tighter and tighter. He doesn’t have any hands to spare to help Sylvain peak but he does manage to find his prostrate and knows he finds it because Sylvain arches so much his back comes almost entirely off the bed.</p>
<p>Felix fucks into that spot three more times, squeezing on his throat until Sylvain’s hits his limit and Felix spends inside him, releasing Sylvain’s throat at the same time. He thrusts into Sylvain, riding out his orgasm and Sylvain comes on his stomach soon after when the air fills his lungs, heaving air desperately in staccatoed breaths.</p>
<p>Sylvain’s breathing doesn’t steady like it usually does. “Sylvain?” Felix notices almost immediately that something is off. “Sylvain! Take it slower, deep breaths,” Felix coaxes worriedly, immediately pulling out and getting off his chest. Felix worries he’s gone too far, too much. “Can you hear me? Squeeze my hand if you can. Please,” he says desperately. His eyes are hot and he almost cries when he feels Sylvain squeeze his hand around the dagger.</p>
<p>The action apparently helps to ground him; Sylvain taking deeper breaths, finally letting the oxygen circulate into his system. His breathing evens out and when he looks, finally <em>sees</em> Felix, his eyes are teary but clear.</p>
<p>Felix, on the other hand, is trembling, fear squeezing his heart painfully. It only subsides slightly when Sylvain squeezes his hand again, reassuringly this time and he uses the other to prop himself up. Arms wrap around him tightly but it only makes Felix more aware of how much he’s shaking.</p>
<p>“Sorry, Fe,” Sylvain says hoarsely. Carefully, gently rubbing Felix’s back until the tremors stops. “I didn’t mean to scare you. I’m sorry. It wasn’t you, I promise.”</p>
<p>“How was it not me? You weren’t doing anything.” Felix feels <em>awful</em> inside and no amount of comforting words are helping relieve him of that feeling.</p>
<p>“Hey, look at me,” Sylvain pulls back enough to look Felix in the eyes. “I mean it, Felix. It wasn’t you. It just got a little much at the very end and that’s not on you. You did everything right. I was still enjoying it, I swear. I wouldn’t lie to you Fe, you know that.”</p>
<p>Felix sees sincerity and concern and believes him despite the unrelenting fear throbbing in his chest. “I know you wouldn’t.” He hugs Sylvain back. “But we aren’t do that again.”</p>
<p>“Okay.” Sylvain agrees, resting his head on Felix’s and lays them back down, holding Felix close and kissing him softly. “I really am sorry,” he whispers.</p>
<p>Closing his eyes, Felix lets his heart shed the tears his body won’t. He doesn’t reply to Sylvain but holds him tighter. It’s good enough of a Felix answer for Sylvain.</p>
<p>Felix spends the night entangled in Sylvain’s arms, trying but failing to quiet his mind enough to sleep.</p>
<p>He keeps thinking about their arrangement. He likes it and it feels good. And Sylvain likes it and <em>he</em> feels good. It helps Sylvain and Felix wants that. He’s <em>happy</em> to help Sylvain so he can get these urges out without recklessly asking strangers for it.</p>
<p>But at what cost?</p>
<p>If they’re doing everything right, why does Felix feel so wrong despite Sylvain’s reassurances? It lingers in his mind until he drifts off as the sun starts to rise, hoping this was an anomaly and things will be back to normal the next time.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>And then Miklan turns into a monster and dies on the end of Sylvain’s lance and Felix <em>dreads</em>.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>One more entry in this series I think. </p>
<p>Please let me know if there is anything else I should tag on this fic as I know it got a bit heavy at the end.</p></blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>